Visiting Sean
by jozivabellepattersonfan
Summary: When Jo loses Sean, she also loses herself. Set pre-season 1. First in the "Homeless" series.


The first time Jo visited Sean's grave, she couldn't even speak. She just cried.

The second time was the same.

The third time, she didn't even get out of the car. The lavender stems she'd brought wilted in the front seat for weeks because she couldn't bear to throw them out.

It was over a month before she visited again. This time, she wasn't alone; Sean's mother came with her. Jo cried again, but Sean's mother did, too.

The fifth time, Jo placed the lavender stems at the foot of Sean's headstone. She wanted to leave before she started to cry again, but something made her pause.

She sat down. Staring at the name on the headstone, she whispered, "Hello, Sean."

She waited. It was quiet, not even a breeze to move the air around her.

"I miss you."

That was all she got out before she burst into tears. After a few minutes, she shook her head in frustration and left.

The sixth time, she took a cab. She had downed most of a bottle of wine and all she could think about was talking to her husband.

"Hi, honey," she said, plopping down in front of his headstone. "Sorry I haven't visited in awhile." She hiccupped, then giggled. "Not that you can hear me, anyway. You're dead."

Her high vanished, and she burst into tears. "You're dead, you're dead, you're dead," Jo sobbed. "You're dead. Why are you dead? Come back to me, Sean. Come back to me."

The groundskeeper found her in the morning, curled up in a ball, eyes red from weeping. He called her a cab and helped her into the backseat. Before he closed the door, he handed her a small card.

"I know it's hard," he said quietly. "But you have to move on."

The card sat untouched on her countertop for weeks. She didn't _want_ to move on. Sean was the love of her life, her everything. Moving on wasn't an option.

But people at work were starting to notice the bags under her eyes. She was missing the obvious in their cases, leaving Hanson to do the work of one-and-a-half detectives. The last straw was Lieutenant Reece calling Jo into her office.

"Take a seat," she said.

Jo didn't sit. "What is this about, Lieutenant?"

Lieutenant Reece raised her eyebrows. "Straight to the point, then. All right. I'm concerned about you, Detective."

"And why is that?"

"You've just lost your husband." Jo flinched, but didn't look away. "You're grieving. I understand that. If you need to take some time to get yourself together, I understand."

"I don't need time."

Lieutenant Reece put her hands on her desk and looked Jo in the eye. "Detective, your investigative skills are just not there right now. Either you take some vacation days, or I will put you on administrative leave."

"I'm fine, Lieu!" Jo snapped. "Or I would be fine, without people asking me every day if I'm okay, without people trying to make me feel better, and coddling me, and trying to keep me from doing my job. I'd be fine if they would just leave me alone!"

There was a long pause. Lieutenant Reece took a deep breath.

"Will you please sit down, Jo?"

Jo hesitated, then sat. Lieutenant Reece did the same.

"Please understand, Jo, I know how good of a detective you are. But I also know that losing someone close to you like this can push a person over the edge. You're on the brink, Jo. I don't want to see you go any farther." The lieutenant held out a Kleenex. Jo stared at it for a minute before realizing she was crying.

Angrily she took it and wiped away the tears. "What am I supposed to do with vacation days, Lieu?" she asked. "Go home and wallow? Sit in the house that Sean and I bought together?"

"I don't know what it is you need, Jo. There are a lot of places you can look at this stage. Find a counselor. Go to church. Join a support group. Just do something, Jo. The longer you stay at this stage, the worse it will be for you. You have to move on."

About to protest, Jo hesitated. _"You have to move on,"_ the groundskeeper had said, before handing her that card.

"Fine," Jo said. "But just for the next two days. On Thursday, I'll be back."

"That's fine with me." Jo stood up to leave, then turned back when Lieutenant Reece called after her. "Just make sure you do something, okay, Detective?"

"Yes, Lieutenant."

When she got home, she dropped her keys on the countertop and snatched up the card. The front read:

 _You don't have to do this alone._

Jo turned the card over.

 _In your time of grief, look to those who are grieving with you._

Memories of the funeral came flooding into her head. Sean's co-workers, his friends, her friends, her co-workers, his family, her family – they were all there. How had she forgotten them?

Jo pulled out her phone and scrolled through her contacts until she found the one she was looking for. She pressed "call" and held the phone to her ear.

"Hi, Auntie Jo!"

Her niece's voice made Jo smile for the first time in months.

"Hi, Sarah! How are you?"

"I'm good! I rode a horse today!"

"You rode a horse today?" Jo gasped dramatically. "Was it a big horse?"

"No, it was just a little horse." Jo heard muffled voices, and then her niece said, "Mommy says it was actually a pony."

"Oooh, okay. Was it a nice pony?"

"Yeah! His name was Sparkles."

"That's a wonderful name. Hey, sweetie, can I talk to your mommy?"

"Sure! Bye, Auntie Jo!"

"Bye, Sarah." Jo waited while her niece handed over the phone.

"Jo, hi!"

"Hi, Ellie. How are you?"

"I'm good! You should see the look on Sarah's face right now. She's so happy that she got to talk to you."

Jo laughed. "I'm glad I got to talk to her, too. Hey, I was wondering – if you guys aren't too busy – could I come visit for the next couple of days?"

"Of course! It's summer, so Sarah's out of school. She'd love to spend time with you, and so would I, of course. Are you just using up vacation days?"

Jo paused, then said, "Yeah, something like that."

"Well, you know you're welcome anytime! When do you think you'll get here?"

"I was thinking about leaving here in a few minutes, actually. That would get me there around dinnertime. Unless that's too soon?"

"No, by all means, join us for dinner! It's Sarah's choice tonight, though, so watch out. We might end up with Spaghetti-O's and chocolate donuts."

Jo laughed again. "I can work with that."

"Great! We'll see you tonight then!" Jo heard Ellie say, "Tell Auntie Jo good-bye!"

Ellie must have held the phone very close to Sarah's mouth, so her voice was suddenly very loud when she said, "Good-bye, Auntie Jo!"

"See you tonight, Sarah!" Jo replied, and hung up. In five minutes she had packed a suitcase and was out the door.

The next time Jo visited Sean's grave, she laid the lavender stems at his headstone and sat down.

"Hello, Sean," she said. "I'm sorry I haven't visited for awhile. Life has been... hard." She picked at the grass. "I miss you, a lot. I miss the way you'd pretend you made me dinner while you were hiding the take-out boxes. I miss the way you'd kiss my hand before you left for a trip. I miss just being at home with you. I miss you."

She leaned back on her hands, looking at the sky. "For the first few months after you died, I was a wreck, Sean. You probably noticed. I'm not entirely recovered yet. I still have nights where I drink myself into oblivion to forget you. I still have nights where I cry myself to sleep, and then wake up and start crying all over again, because you're still not there."

"But I'm getting better, Sean. Hanson and I are working well together again. Lieutenant Reece isn't worried about me anymore. I've been spending a lot of time with Sarah. She's so sweet, Sean. She reminds me that there's life in the world still, even when I don't feel it inside."

Jo sat up again, looking at Sean's headstone. "I think I'm moving on, Sean. I don't want to. God, I wish I didn't have to. I still love you, Sean. I always will. And I still miss you. But I think I'm moving on."

She reached out to touch the lavender stems. "I brought these because I know you're not into those girly flowers like daisies or roses. They smell pretty nice. I'll try to come by more often, so you'll always have something nice on your grave."

Jo got to her feet. She stroked the top of the headstone.

"I love you, Sean. I'll see you again soon."

With that, she walked away.

* * *

I tried writing about Jo visiting Sean's grave several times, but it always ended up being about Henry. Jo didn't meet Henry until a year after Sean died, so I wanted to write something that was just Jo. Let me know what you think! I'm always looking for constructive criticism!


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